10 Things You Didn't Know About Mormonism

This past Sunday morning, a news program called The Chris Matthews Show (yes, the same Chris Matthews who hosts Hardball on MSNBC) aired on WISN 12. It was broadcast right between "Teen Kids News" and formula one racing at the Indianapolis 200. You can guess how many people, other than myself, were watching. But the topic was perfect. It was about Mitt Romney's religion of Mormonism, something that everyone seems bent on not talking about. Love Romney or hate him, nobody wants to say the "M" word.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

With that in mind, I thought I'd share some of the most amazing things I've learned about Mormonism for those who don't know much about it outside of the South Park episode. It's important to remember, before one casts a vote for a Mormon, just how big a joke that religion is (and so by corollary, are those who practice it). So here, for your informative entertainment pleasure, is my outline, "Ten Things I'll Bet You Didn't Know About Mormonism." Enjoy!

10.) Only two major religions have declared open war upon the United States. Islam, of course, is one. Mormonism is the other. (The Utah War, 1858.)

9.) Mormons today may be heart-sickeningly warm and fuzzy today, but this was not always the case. Mormons were once the bloodiest sect in the American Frontier, leaving a trail of riots, blood and death across a swath of North America, ranging from New York, to Ohio, to Illinois, to Missouri, and finally to Utah. Mormons once had so fierce a reputation that they were the main antagonist in one of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's most famous Sherlock Holmes stories. (A Study in Scarlet, 1887.)

8.) Mormons have all but taken over the Boy Scouts of America. This is part of why they do not allow gay boys to join.

7.) The once-fierce reputation of Mormonism was well-earned. Of all the American religions, it is the only one which has ever slaughtered large numbers of U.S. citizens and buried them in mass, unmarked graves. (The Mountain Meadows Massacre, 1859.) In fact, it is fair to say that today's ultra-nice tradition of Mormonism probably came about from a large sense of guilt felt by its past generations (something which today's Mormons have probably forgotten).

6.) Mormonism teaches that darkness of skin was a curse of God brought about by sinfulness. This is the Mormon explanation for blacks, Indians, Asians, or anyone else who has a complexion darker than Snow White.

5.) Largely due to the above, blacks were not allowed into the Mormon priesthood until 1978. (To his credit, Marion Romney, a cousin of George Romney, Mitt Romney's father, was instrumental in the reversal.)

4.) Joseph Smith, the author of the Book of Mormon, wrote scientifically proven forgeries into some of Mormonism's canonical scriptures.  (The Book of Abraham, part of The Pearl of Great Price.) That means that at least part of Mormonism is a confirmed lie, and Smith is a confirmed liar.

3.) Yes, it's true, Mormons do not allow women into the workplace. Women are relegated to the home in Mormonism, period. Mormons get around this by arguing that no job is more important than the raising of children, and that therefore women have the highest ranking job of them all. While there is something to be said for the argument, it is a poor excuse for subjugation.

2.) Mormons are very prominent in the secret service. This is partially due to the influence of former Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah, who was on the Senate committee which oversees the FBI. It is also true that the Mormon Church has its own private security force.

1.) Mitt Romney is not the highest ranking Mormon in American politics! That honor goes to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a practicing Mormon, and a Democrat! (Okay, an anti-choice, anti-gay Democrat, but a Democrat nevertheless.)