Trump's Campaign Letter To My Dead Mom

My mom got a letter yesterday, which is odd, since she's been dead for almost a year. Most contacts are aware that my mom is deceased, and even the ones that send a few items in her name, such as Wild Birds Unlimited, are aware that she's passed on, and only keep sending coupon items in her name for convenience's sake.

Back in 2010, I moved back home to take care of my mother. Her ability to speak was impaired, and my dad and I began taking her calls. So all calls we received from the Republican Party were turned away, and we kept telling callers to remove my mom from their lists. By 2012, my mother's Alzheimer's disease had progressed to the point where she was completely unable to speak for more than a year, and was only barely ambulatory. Calls and donation letters were again rebuffed that election year, and my family repeatedly told the Republican Party to remove her name from their lists. By 2014, my mother was in nursing home care, and callers were yet again told to remove her from their lists. Letters were sent back, and by this time we were starting to get rather cross.

But that apparently wasn't enough. Political mailing lists are slow to change. And Republicans are so retrograde that they are even slower to change on top of that. Thus it was that the newest Republican candidate sent a fund raising letter to what must have been the oldest name on his list.

My mom was a Reagan Republican. She gave donations generously from the mid 90's through 2006. She may have even donated a little bit in 2008, when she was beginning to show serious symptoms of being impaired. But even if she remained a Republican after that point, I highly doubt she would have embraced the clown-college nonsense that passes for conservatism today. It's highly unlikely that she would have voted for a Mormon four years ago, much less the Orange banshee that thinks he's a serious Republican candidate this year. But after four, possibly five, election cycles where Republicans have received no money from this woman, and have been repeatedly told to not contact, the fact that my mother was worth another 47 cents to send one more letter is a truly remarkable sign of utter desperation.

Let's read some of Trump's bullshit, shall we?

Dear Fellow American,

The one thing Hillary Clinton fears above all else is this...

...that Republicans will unite and rally against her.

Because if we do come together and unify behind me and or entire GOP ticket, there is NO WAY she will ever be President of the United States.

It really is that simple.

I have received more votes in Republican primaries than any other candidate in history.

Wait! Stop there. Yes, he did receive more votes. But this is due to remarkably high turnout, and that high turnout showed up to vote against him as much as for him.

Trump never won a majority in any state until New York. Going into that contest, he had barely 40% of the vote, which means 60% of all Republicans wanted someone else! Even after Cruz and Kasich dropped out after Indiana, and Trump ran unopposed the rest of the way, he still did not get a majority of the Republican vote. When everything was counted, only 47% of Republicans ever voted for him. That means 53%, even after he went unopposed in the vote-bonanza state of California, wanted someone other than Donald Trump! The majority of Republicans are anti-Trump.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

There is a surging groundswell to end the Obama era [News flash: the Obama era is ending no matter what.], kick the establishment elite to the curb [Never mind that Trump is part of the establishment elite.], and set America on a new course.

Okay, sinking the ship counts as a new course. Down instead of forward. I'll grant you that.

Millions of voters are rallying to "Make America Great Again!"

And we can do it too, if we all join together right now.

Whether you were with me all along, or joined the Trump Train recently...

...it is time to unify the Republican Party so we can stop Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and their Left-Wing special interest allies from taking total control of Washington, D.C.

[Total control? Don't we wish! We could, but gerrymandering has stolen billions of votes before we even get started.]

That's why I have created the Trump Make America Great Again Committee... a joint effort led by the Donald J. Trump for President campaign and the Republican National Committee to make sure our GOP ticket has the funds needed to win this November.

Hillary Rodham Clinton and the Democrats' single-minded goal is to lock-in the Obama agenda permanently and to expand it even further.

* They won't be satisfied with ObamaCare until health care is 100% government run.
[Damn straight! Death to the tyranny of the insurance industry!]

* They won't be happy with Common Core until Washington bureaucrats run every school in America.
[Huh? Since when were Democrats campaigning on Common Core? And it's Reformed Math, not Common Core, which is the joke in social media.]

* They won't rest until every illegal immigrant is given complete amnesty and the right to vote as a hardened, life-long Democrat.
[Hyperbole much? And most Latinos are socially conservative. Many are Catholic. If you want to lament about how they won't vote Republican, how about you stop arresting their families and pissing on their rights?]

*They won't stand up for America's interests overseas until they've apologized for America's power and greatness.
[Huh? What the fuck is this bullshit?]

* And they won't stop demonizing their opponents until political correctness replaces free speech.
[Since when do you need to 'demonize' someone who is already a demon? And it has been conservatives, not liberals, who have gagged free speech by buying up all the airwaves and pummeling people with non-stop conservative hatred. How's that for political correctness?]

I say, enough is enough!

[Please! Stop! My whipping boy can take no more!]

My friend, I promise you we're going to Make America Great Again.

I'm a successful businessman because I'm not afraid to roll up my sleeves and get to work. [Please! If you're a successful businessman, I'm a Kardashian. You've never rolled up a sleeve in your life.] To be a successful President, you've got to be smart and you've got to be tough. You've got to be able to bring smart people together and use your leverage to make a great deal.

I'm going to do that for the American people.

[The white American people.]

From Day One, we're going to make real changes that will Make America Great Again.

We're going to build the wall on our southern border to stop illegal immigration. The simple fact is: we don't have a country if we don't have a border.

[We can have a border without a wall, you know. What are we, Jericho?]

And we're going to get Mexico to pay for it, because deep down, Mexico knows they're better off with us happy. [Head slap!] Right now, our policies make them think we're happy, but we're not happy. We're upset about all this illegal immigration, and we will use our leverage to get them to pay for this wall.

[What leverage? I can't believe this zombie lie hasn't been shot in the head, yet.]

On Day One, I'm going to end President Obama's terrible executive orders that have attacked our Second Amendment rights and gutted our border security?

[Huh?]

We're going to Make America Great Again by creating great jobs One of the things I'm most proud of is creating jobs. I know firsthand, there's nothing like helping people by getting them great jobs.

When it comes to trade, we'er going to start winning again. Right now we're losing We're losing hundreds of billions of dollars to China and billions to Japan, Vietnam and India. Mexico is beating us at the border and at trade. This will stop.

Crooked Hillary and her crowd will say, "Trump will start a trade war." But the truth is, her husband signed the worst trade deal ever. It is called NAFTA, and now these countries are in a trade war with us and they are beating us so badly.

[Really? Because the economy has been looking up lately, and it hasn't really had a negative trend since Obama took office.]

We are losing millions of jobs, tens of thousands of plants, and thousands of companies. It is really discouraging when great American companies like Nabisco, Carrier, Ford and Pfizer take their jobs and their profits overseas.

[Ford debunked this one. Nice try.]

Right now, there's no incentive for companies to stay here. We will change that. There will be consequences. We're not going to keep losing.

We're going to Make America Great Again by making our military so big, so strong and so powerful, nobody will mess with us. We will get rid of ISIS -- FAST! -- and we will have great relations with many, many, many foreign countries, as long as they understand it is a two-way street.

[Nukes so fast, you'll freak.]

Very importantly, we will take great care of our veterans. They've been treated so badly under the Obama regime and that will change.

[Great. Tell Republicans to stop opposing veterans bills so Obama can sign them.]

Of course, Crooked Hillary and her extreme liberal allies hate me. [So do your fellow Republicans, you dolt.] Right now, they are laying their plans to tear me down with the most vicious, brutal, and expensive advertising campaign our nation has ever witnessed. And their plan is to take down every other Republican candidate along with me.

I've seen what she's capable of saying and doing, and I won't put anything past her.

[Good!]

And that is why I am writing to you today.

I won the Republican primary by self-funding my own campaign. [Bullshit!] But in the General Election, I can't do it alone.

This is the first letter I've sent during this campaign asking for financial help. But it isn't just for me; I'm asking you to give your financial support to the Trump Make America Great Again Committee.

This vital project is a joint effort led by the Donald J. Trump for President campaign and the Republican National Committee to make sure our GOP ticket has the funds needed to win this November.

Our Party's candidates from county courthouses on up to Congressional, Senate, and gubernatorial candidates rely on a strong, well-funded operation to provide essential campaign services we all need to win.

So please join me by signing and returning the enclosed Pledge of Support today.

And when you do, I hope you will include a generous campaign contribution of $35, $50, $100, $250, $500 or $1000 to help our Party win back the White House and elect Republicans up and down the ticket this November.

Your gift today will be immediately put to work supporting our Get-Out-The-Vote and absentee ballot programs, as well as funding volunteer training in every targeted county that is vital to electing Republicans at every level.

Your investement will go a long way toward helping me and other Republican candidates overcome Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and their far-left special interests whose multi-billion dollar war chest is just waiting to be unleashed to rip us apart with the most crooked scorched-earth campaign you've ever seen.

[Pot, meet kettle.]

Whatever amount you can send is.... [blah, blah, blah, I'm skipping this part].

You know, some people -- mostly liberals -- criticized me for the tough campaign we ran in the primary. But I play to win, and we won. Now we need to join together and defeat one of the most corrupt, crooked, establishment politicians in history, Hillary Clinton, and her rubber-stamp Democrat ticket.

Our theme is very simple: Make America Great Again. We will Make America Great Again. [Yeah, we got it the first time.] We will start winning again. You will be so proud of how we turn around this country so very, very soon.

Please be a part of this amazing movement.

God bless you and God bless the United States of America.

Sincerely yours,

Donald J. Trump.


In response, I enclosed my reply, moneyless, and wrote the following on the donation slip in red Sharpie:

Sandra Hildeman is deceased. Please remove from your mailing list.
Oh, and BTW, fuck you for insulting my dead mother with this shit!

Sincerely,

Eric Hildeman


(Just for good measure, I drew a Hitler mustache on Trump's picture.)


Eric

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