Sunday, April 4, 2010

Three Wishes

As hopless as my love life has been as of late, I do occasionally go online to add one millionth of a percent to my general chances by subscribing to one of the many general matchmaking websites and seeing what incredibly wonderful women will reject me there. And in spite of my general ineptitude, the occasional woman will, once in a great while, actually bother to write back (yes, women who write back to someone other than Brad Pitt do exist), even someone like me, and actually engage in an outright discourse. Now, I know that men who have subscribed to online dating services will be immediately skeptical of this. "Come on, women who write back? They don't exist!" And yes, such a species does seem as rare as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. But just play along with me for a moment while I tell this story.

One woman wrote me back, and in the middle of several other probing questions for me, had this particular interrogative: "If you had three wishes, what would they be?"

Now, as queries to 'cess out future sexual partners go, this one's a doozie! It instantly evaluates just about anything one might see in a potential mate, while at the same time, relegating any who give wrong answers to being so narrow and shallow as to be unworthy of even another reply. Which, considering how damned impossible it is to get an initial reply, is a pretty dire consequence! So what is the best answer to this impossible question? Given three wishes, what would yours be?

Not being one to think that my opinion is below average, I've decided to share mine here. And, frankly, if anyone can top MY unbelievably perfect answer, I'll buy either a steak dinner, or give oral sex, dependent upon whether your gender is male or female, respectively. Here are my answers:

Wish one: Boy! You want to get wish #1 perfect. What to wish for? World peace? Good, good. World peace is a good value. Except that one could have world peace if one is able to achieve world prosperity. People just don't want to fight if there's food on the table, and one can afford cable TV! So, world prosperity? Should that be wish #1? Well, one could have world prosperity, of only one is able to control world population. Too many mouths to feed and not enough food to feed them is, and always has been, the cause of poverty. So, controlling world population? Should that be wish #1? Well, one could control world population, if only women were given the choice over what to do with their own bodies. In other words, give women the ability to say "no" to a pregnancy, and one can solve all these other problems!

So, that's wish #1, for me. Absolute women's rights, all over the world, forever!

Top that!

Okay, so I still have two wishes to work with. So, wish #2 is to end any law which makes activity of harm to no one illegal. Yes, that includes cannabis, homosexuality, adult language, and, frankly, Christianity and Islam.

Wish #3 is for me to be the inventor and patent-holder of the technology which will render petroleum passe. That would make me the wealthiest man on the planet Earth. And, since I've just solved all the world's problems with only three wishes, frankly, I deserve it!