Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Bob the Tomato comes out: "I'm a fruit!"

Bob the Tomato, the talking produce-item best known as one of the primary characters on "Veggie Tales," officially came out of the closet on Monday as a fruit, rather than a vegetable.

"I know this will come as a great disappointment to my many young Christian fans," Bob said in an official press conference, "but I can no longer deny who I am.  I am a fruit, and I prefer being with other fruits."

The shocking statement comes amid a number of recent celebrity declarations as to their true orientation, including that of Jason Collins, the NBA center for the Washington Wizards, who openly came out as gay in the recently published May issue of Sports Illustrated.

The announcement came as no surprise to Dr. Zachariah Zucchini, an activist from the left side of the produce aisle. "Tomatoes are technically classified as a fruit," he told reporters at the Sun. "Bob simply cannot help the way that he is, because he was born that way. The same thing goes for pumpkins, gourds and cucumbers. They are fruit with the seeds inside."

But Bob's long-time collaborator and friend, Larry Cucumber, vehemently disagrees. "I don't know what [Dr. Zucchini] could be thinking, calling us fruits," he said. "I know in my heart that I'm a vegetable. And I've also known Bob my whole life. He's a vegetable, too. We grew up in the same vegetable garden, were placed in the same vegetable aisle at the same grocery store, and were sold as vegetables. I still have the receipt. It says, 'veg: $2.98'. Fruit was being sold at a different price. I hope he prayerfully re-considers his true nature."

Bob's declaration has fueled long-standing rumors of an extended studio affair between himself and Tom Grape, the son of the elderly, Yiddish-accented Pa Grape. Tom could not be reached for a statement.

Pastor Ted Haggard, who has struggled with his sexual orientation in recent years, immediately weighed in with a written statement: "I know that our Brother Bob must be going through some trying times, but I hope he understands that the Lord knows that he is truly a vegetable. I will pray that God relieves him of his temptation, just as I continually pray that he relieves him of mine."

"I don't care what they say, he's a vegetable!" said Creflo Cabbage, leader of Christians for the Culinary Arts, who was asked about the incident afterward at the 'Pulse of the Nation' event in Washington, D.C. "Does he taste sweet? No! Fruits taste sweet! It's as simple as that!"
When his wife quietly pointed out that Bob was a little bit sweet, Creflo was observed to harshly whisper, "Shut up!"

Fredrick Lettuce, leader of the "God Hates Fruits!" movement, is currently organizing a petition to get Bob the Tomato permanently banned from all Christian bookstores and Veggie Tales products.



Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The Real Boston Bombs

Once again, we have a bombing by Islamist militants in a major city. Once again, Americans vow that they will have justice.

And once again, nobody is blaming the root cause of the violence: Religion.

Don't get me wrong, there are real problems of poverty and bloodshed which give people good reason to be pissed, religion or not. But the Koran is unambiguously clear about what is to be done with infidels and  apostates. They are to be killed. Not tolerated or endured for the sake of religious freedom. No, KILLED. No ambiguity about the Arabic translation can alter that fact. This is why Muslims will bomb the West for disrupting political affairs in Iran or Afghanistan, but Hispanic Christians will not bomb the U.S. for even greater disruption in Mexico, Panama, Nicaragua or El Salvador. And this is truly puzzling, because in those nations, interference by the U.S. has resulted in much MORE poverty and bloodshed! But instead of bombing us, Latinos are desperate to come here to live a better life. Go figure!

Thank goodness for the canonization of the Book of John.

Here is the bottom line: Everybody wants to know how we can stop bombings. How do we make certain that such acts of terror never happen again? The answer is surprisingly simple, and it's the same answer for Islamist violence as it is for, let's say, pedophilia in the Catholic priesthood. How do we put a stop to it?

Simple. Muslims must LEAVE the Islamic religion every time another terrorist bomber scandalizes them yet again with another, embarrassing act of violence! I mean seriously, folks, if your fellow dinner guests keep shitting on your food, why do you continue to eat at that table?! Get up and WALK OUT! Is that so unreasonable? I mean, just imagine how bombings would instantly stop if bombers realized that each and every bomb resulted in only 5,000 people leaving the Islamic religion. Terrorism would be guaranteed to stop overnight!

The same thing applies to pedophile priests. The problem persists because there are too many parishioners and too few priests to go around, right? Well, here's the solution, if you're Catholic: LEAVE! I mean, shit, what a simple fix!

What's that? You say you don't want to leave? I'm not surprised. You people would rather shove rusted nails up your urethras than change anything about your religion or your politics. Well, if you insist, there is a common-sense compromise. Rather than leaving, simply go on a temporary leave of absence!

Really, I mean, why not? Just say to your priest or Immam, "Seeya later guys! I'm on religious vacation! I'll be back when you assholes allow women into the priesthood and fire every pedophile!" Or, "I'll return when there are no more Islamic bombings and I'm convinced that there will never be another one!"

It's really not disrespectful. You are being loyal to God, but disloyal to the bureaucracy of stumblebums who claim to be His representatives. And when someone asks what your religion is, just say, "I'm a suspended Catholic. My faith is on hold until the Church gets its act together." Or, "I'm technically a Muslim, but I'm on hiatus until all Islamic terrorism is stamped out." Those are respectable answers! They show that you are both loyal to your upbringing, and to justice! But if your answer is that you are Catholic in spite of its abuse of children, or that you are Muslim in spite of all the violence the "religion of peace" continually engages in, then you are sending a clear message that your religion can engage in all the shenanigans it can get away with, without any fear of reprisal.

Empty pews! Empty churches! Empty mosques! And most importantly, empty offering plates! These are the only things the clergy pays any attention to, and are the only things that will force them to amend themselves! And if you refuse to utilize these weapons, then you are allowing the guilty to get away, unpunished. Shame on you for your faithful tithes and attendance!

Visit the Lutherans for awhile, if you must go through the rituals. I mean, that's why Lutheranism was put there in the first place, right?

This is why I do not buy the argument that goes, "Most Muslims/Catholics are good people, it is only a few bad apples who do these terrible things." Yeah, well, if they're so goddamned good, why are they still in the fold? If you are part of a power-abusing religious sect, and you have not left, even temporarily, then you are complicit with the guilty within your creed! You are endorsing the bad behavior by refusing to implement the one thing which will hold them accountable: your absence!

Thus, all Muslims who remain Muslim in the wake of the Boston bombings are as guilty as the bombers themselves. You are the REAL Boston bombs! Either leave, or own your fucking guilt!

And who knows? You might take a break from your religion and find that you just might like how it feels over here on this side.



Monday, April 15, 2013

My Jackie Robinson Story

Jackie Robinson.  It's good that we have a day set aside to honor the man. It's even better that we have a new movie coming out about him. We are right to regard him as a hero. He broke down racial barriers and helped pave the way towards a better America. Half a century after his breakthrough into the major leagues, an African American is now President of the United States, and the era of racial equality is that much closer.

But it isn't here yet. Racism is still alive and kicking. Oh, I'm not referring to the racism exhibited by the sad, tattered remnants of the Ku Klux Klan, or the racist attitudes subconsciously, and obviously to all but themselves, adhered to by Tea Party activists (much to their frustrated confusion). No, I'm referring to the racist attitudes held by the African American Community, and how difficult it will be to get it to let them go.

You see, as blasphemous as it is for me to say this on the day set aside for the first great black baseball player, racism is now primarily a black phenomenon rather than a white one.  But, after all, blasphemy is what we do here at the Sacred Cow Wursthaus. There is a prevailing inner-city mentality which seems to say that the sins against one's forebears are somehow legitimate reason to receive a free ride today, and that the innocent children of the perpetrators of past crimes should be made to pay restitution. In other words, two wrongs make a right. Or, the fallacy of children being responsible for a parents' crime (a mistake upon which all of Christianity is based) somehow holds true.

For once, complaints made by the right-wing establishment are correct. Hiring a sub-standard worker or accepting a sub-standard college student application based upon skin color is racist. Period. Afrro-centric racism is just as evil as Euro-centric racism. (Or Asian or Hispanic-centered, for that matter.) And Afro-centric racism is arguably even more evil because it is committed by the children of those who suffered under racial oppression. How utterly bizarre it is that the descendants of those who suffered under the lash of the slave-driver in the cotton fields are so quick to take up the whip themselves!

How even more bizarre that more don't take advantage of receiving undue privilege! A young, black male could write his own ticket with a crappy resume simply by donning a business suit. Why in hell are black youth bothering to not even pull up their pants, much less themselves?

You see, Jackie Robinson didn't ask that the bar be lowered. He raised the bar, and set it higher for himself than for his white teammates. He didn't ask for affirmative action. He didn't NEED affirmative action. To prove the point that he was equal, he excelled. He didn't just hold his own, he dominated. And in so doing, he proved that skin color was poor criteria for rejecting a ball player who could take you to the World Series.

And that's the secret: If a person can prove that the team is better with him or her on their side, that person will be accepted onto the team. Period.

But what Jackie Robinson did led to the death of the negro leagues. With black players able to play Major League baseball, there was simply no more need. Why even have a "black" drinking fountain when everyone can drink from the "white" one? And that scares some people. Integration means the end of black culture, and that leads some to defend black culture against incursions, even if that form of discrimination holds black people in perpetual chains. This, my friends, is why a young black man will refuse to pull up his pants, even in a political era when simply donning a suit will get him hired on the spot, crappy resume notwithstanding. Also, privilege makes us blind. We will do anything not to see the truth when the truth means having to give up a privileged position. For an example, just look at the blatant hypocrisy of the CEO's who decry the evils of welfare while playing golf with a handicap. (Think about it: How is a handicap NOT golf-welfare?)

I get to say these things as a white man because none of my ancestors owned a black slave. My lineage is not tainted with past sins, so I can simply speak my mind guilt-free. But I can understand the pressure some might feel. We need to overcome this and recognize that there is no us/them anymore. There's just us.

Whatever happened to the Great American Melting Pot? Wasn't there this great idea that all races would meld together inside the borders of the U.S. to make one, great society of people? I suppose that was only meant for Europeans. Americans were meant to be a mix of German, Irish, Welsh or French, but not Haitian, Mexican, or West African. I say we revitalize the Melting Pot idea, and call it the "copper kettle." After all, when we're all done intermingling, intermarrying, and interbreeding, Americans will have a kind of copper-colored skin tone, beautiful to behold. Penn Jilette said it best: The best way to end racism is to fuck white people. And fuck black people. And fuck Asian people, Hispanic people, Jewish people... pretty soon there will be no racism because - no more races!

INTEGRATION. It's not a dirty word, damn it!

Not that I agree with the word "race" in the first place. The human race is the only race. It's beyond obvious that continental ancestry or skin tone does not constitute a separate species, much less an entirely separate race. Dog and rabbit. Now, there's a difference in races. A black human and a white human are no more different races than are a black cat and a white cat.

When racial equality arrives, it will not have much fanfare. No parades, no bands playing, no confetti. And the reason for this will be because it came upon us so gradually, so stealthfully, that we won't have noticed that it did so. Eventually, someone will make an observation that goes something like, "Hey, isn't that weird segregated era back in the early 21st century an oddity?" And somebody else will say, "Yeah, that was kind of strange. I wonder when exactly it happened that we got over it?"

Well, we will get over it after we integrate. And not just integrate, but integrated to the point where we no longer are even conscious of skin tone anymore.