Thursday, December 10, 2009

I Predict: 2012

Okay, this one's just for fun. The year is closing out, and we're about to start up a new year on a nice, round number. So what do the 2010's hold for us? I thought that I would gaze into my crystal ball (which I am able to do by situating two mirrors slightly off-parallel and staring at my bald head) and let people know what I see for the upcoming future. A few of these predictions are serious, most aren't, but even the facetious ones are rooted in some truth and a little wish fulfillment. Here's what I see looming on the horizon at or around the year 2012:

Carrie Prejean moves to Alaska. Sometime afterward, she announces her intention to run for governor.

Sarah Palin takes a break from her book tour to go moose hunting with Dick Cheney. She shoots him in the face accidentally.

Richard Heene wife-swaps with Michelle Salashi. The two of them gate-crash the Emmy Awards Ceremony by flying over security inside a big, silvery balloon.

Hugh Hefner names Tiger Woods as the heir apparent to the throne of Playboy figurehead. He even bequeaths his famous smoking jacket.

Canadian eskimos jointly file an international lawsuit against the G-9 for despoiling their tundra lands with global warming. The suit is successful.

Actual inland soil landmass emerges from beneath the ice in Antarctica for the first time in tens of thousands of years.

Conservative talk show hosts, faced with no other choice as ice disappears and sea levels rise, finally reverse their position that global warming is a hoax, but it's too late to save their ratings. Other hosts lose their shows, or are restructured. Sean Hannity is moved to the 11:00 slot. Rush Limbaugh dies of spontaneous human combustion. Michael Savage stubbornly refuses, and is subsequently fired. Fortunately for everyone, Dennis Miller emerges as the leading conservative talking head.

Obama dumps Joe Biden as his Vice President before running for re-election. His replacement? Governor Christine Gregoire of Washington. Or Jennifer Granholm of Michigan.

Sarah Palin runs for president in 2012. She narrowly loses the nomination to Mitt Romney, so she goes rogue and runs independently on the "Tea Party" ticket. The conservative vote is fractured, and Obama wins by a ridiculous margin.

As a direct result, Democrats get a super-super majority with nearly 70 votes in the Senate. But still can't pass real health care reform!

And finally, Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama deny that they've been having a secret love affair.


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