Saturday, December 25, 2010

For Christmas: Pretty Maids All In A Row

Well, it's Christmas, and I'm going to post something that has nothing to do with Christmas. Not because I'm anti-holiday or anything, I'm just maxed out on the Hallmark-ization of it all. So, I'm posting something totally not serious. It's my list of the hottest women.

Okay, we all hate these type of articles in Maxim. Then we all read them. Go figure.

There are more than ten – I refuse to be bottled up by some asinine round-number top-ten kind of limitation. The qualifications for this list were as follows: 1.) Each woman is a celebrity, defined as being someone who you would at least remotely have heard of. 2.) Each woman, in her prime (loosely defined as 20-to-30 something), was/is one who is physically the most attractive to me. And yes, that means brains played an important role. Certain women I’ve met would, could, and do privately make the list, such as my girlfriend, obviously, but you people out there don’t know who my girlfriend is, anyway. (And I’m keeping it that way. She’s mine, you vultures!) Besides, this is pretty much a celebrity-only thing.

1. Christina Hendricks Known better as Saffron on Joss Whedon’s short-lived series, Firefly, and also as Joan Holloway on the AMC series Mad Men, this babe is unbelievable! Perfect, perfect, perfect!

2. Audrey Hepburn Sorry, but perfection is perfection. A beauty both inside and out, she made her fortune being irresistible, then poured her energies into helping those less fortunate. I wouldn’t Wait Until Dark to take this Fair Lady out for a Roman Holiday.

3. Lala Ward She’s Romana from the Dr. Who series during the Tom Bakker era, and she’s amazing! Currently, she’s married to a hero of mine, Richard Dawkins. Lucky guy!

4. Nina Hartley My favorite porn-queen! Brains and beauty! Best ass ever, and her mind is every bit as amazing as her body. I’d do her today in a heartbeat, but she easily makes the list in my Wayback machine.

5. Kirsten Dunst She once played a child vampire, then grew up to become a killer in other ways. Oh, that Irish face!

6. Susan Sarandon And the prize for best ass outside of porn goes to… Yes, her! Is there any doubt? Admit it, you still want her, too!

7. Jennifer Connelly Need I say more?

8. Erin McKean I’ll bet you’ve never heard of her. She’s a lexicographer – someone whose job it is to catalog words in language. She emerged on the public scene at the TED conference in 2008, and I just fell in love with her. She’s so damned cute!

9. Pat Benatar File this one under ‘D’ for “Duh!”

10. Miwa Yoshida She is only the second pop singer to make the list. It’s difficult to impress me with a diva. But Japanese rock-band Dreams Come True is one of the biggest hits of Nippon, largely due to the talents of this young lady. Although barely known in the States, she has an infectiousness which cannot be denied, and a voice that sounds like Ella Fitzgerald!

11. Nicole De Boer She’s Ezri Dax from Deep Space Nine, and the girl who should never have gotten killed in the movie Cube.

12. Anneke Rudegeair Better known as Soccergirl, of the podcast, Soccergirl, Inc. She’s my favorite skeptic-chick. Smart, fun, and a totally uninhibited sexual exhibitionist, she’s exactly my type! She’d score way, way higher on this list except 1.) she’s married, and 2.) she dumped one of my favorite musicians.

13. Rebecca Watson Also an awesome skeptic-chic, and equally hot, though not the proud sex queen that Soggergirl is. She continues to podcast for the Skeptics Guide to the Universe, even though she lives with her (sigh!) husband in England.

14. Kavi Ladnier What, never heard of her? Oh, yes you have! She played Mira, the luckless girlfriend of Mohinder Suresh in the TV hit, Heroes.

15. Scarlett Johansen She is way, way hotter as a brunette! What a lumbar curve on her!

Wayside entries (women who used to be on this list but got bumped):

Natalie Portman – Star Wars I killed the magic.

Sandra Bullock – She’s Miss Congeneality.

Jill Hennessy – I miss her days on Law & Order.

Jeri Ryan – Seven of Nine just doesn’t do it for me at Boston Public.

Halle Berry – She once took me by Storm, but she’s no Bond-woman.

Angelina Jolie – I’m just burned out on all the hype.

Jennifer Lopez – Her nice ass got her on the list. Her ‘bitchy’ got her kicked off.

Kristin Davis – Tied with Cynthia Nixon. In fact, most of the side-women and all the leads from the cast of Sex In The City are women I’d love to be with, but the movies are just plain wrecking the chemistry.

Gillian Anderson – Love Scully. But damn that punk-ass Mulder!

Callista Flockhart – She got taken off the market by Harrison Ford, so she dropped off the chart.

Rachel Weisz - That incident with the Scorpion King was too much.


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