Well, it's official. Santa's star player, Rudolph, will not be able to guide the sleigh this Christmas. Apparently, Rudy has tested positive for RGH, reindeer growth hormone, and has received a holiday-season suspension.
This is the latest in a series of scandals to have rocked the reindeer pen at the North Pole. From Blitzen's public struggles with alcohol abuse to Prancer's admitted cocaine addiction, it seems like the days when reindeer were all about innocence during Christmas are over. All eight of the females in the original team (and this is an interesting bit of trivia: female reindeer have antlers, and all Santa's reindeer, save Rudolph, are female -- which is part of why you put him in the very front; if you put him anywhere else, there could be a problem!) have come forward with tales of personal or emotional struggles that have made a simple thing like pulling a sleigh through the air at Mach 3 seem overtly complicated. Donner, who came out of the closet as gay three years ago, and still maintaining she's in love with Dancer, who refuses to speak with her, is not bowing to pressure from the American Family Association to recant her statement. Comet, a long-time opponent of global warming, who had her paddock fall through the ice last year, is still maintaining that was due to a fluke warm-water current.
And here we thought nothing would be more annoying to Santa than Cupid being diagnosed with Crohn's disease in 1987.
It's hard to fault Rudolph. He's even older than Brett Favre, and has to find some way to keep going year after year. And with all the young reindeer who have been showing up with the characteristic bright, shiny nose (which is a scandal in and of itself), there seems to be no shortage of potential replacements. Word is that with Rudolph out, Santa has turned to the Russian Caribou, Alexi Akhnigoyovich, to temporarily take point on the sleigh. There should be no language barrier with the new acquisition, as Santa himself, who wears a red suit and makes lists of people who are naughty and nice, is of course as fluent in Russian as any other Marxist-Leninist.
So here's hoping the best for Santa's reindeer. Hopefully, Vixen's gonorrhea won't attract a cruise missile over Afghanistan.