Sunday, August 26, 2012

6 Reasons Mitt Romney Is The Antichrist

Holy shit! Mitt Romney is the Antichrist!

Okay, cheap shot? Yes. Spurious? Absolutely. Based solely on partisan divisiveness? I freely admit it. But is it complete bullshit?

Oddly, no.

Once again, a presidential candidate is being tagged as the fulfillment of Bible Prophecy. This has happened before. The difference this time is that we have much better reasons for thinking that someone is the Antichrist than simply an Islamic-sounding middle name. You'll see in a moment that Mitt is not only Satan's tool, but he is rather obviously so.

Disclaimer: I am, of course an atheist. I no more believe that Mitt Romney is the Antichrist than I believe that there can actually be such a thing. So my reason for outlining this claim isn't based on my own personal creed. Rather, it is done out of a sense of "See? How do YOU like it?" Hey, fair's fair: Fundie Christians got to spew their bullshit about Obama being Satan Incarnate. Now it's our turn! But that being said, let me just add that I really think I may be on to something, here! Just because I'm an evil, atheistic member of the pinko-communist axis of evil doesn't mean I can't have a legitimate point about Bible prophecy!

So, without further ado, here are my 6 reasons Mitt Romney is the Antichrist! (It would have sounded cooler if there were seven, but oh, well!)

1. We know that the Antichrist has one, overriding feature, and that' that his name adds up to the number 666. If one uses a simple alphanumeric cypher for the name Mitt Romney, one ends up with a number of 231. But it makes sense that a modern-day Antichrist would have a modern-day standard for calculating the number of the name. If one takes the ASCII codes for the name Romney, one makes an amazing find!
  - R  -  O  -   M  -   N  -   E  -   Y  -
114 + 111+ 109 + 110 + 101 + 121 = 666!
Holy shit! Somebody quick! Call Hal Lindsey! Call Tim LaHaye! Call Jack Van Impe! Call Creflo Dollar!

2. This has been pointed out before, but the Number of the Beast is also tied to Joseph Smith, the founder of Mitt Romney's religion. If one evaluates his name using the ancient Hebrew alphanumeric system, one also gets 666:
J        O     SE       PH       S         M      I        TH
yodh, vav, samek, phey     samek, mem, yodh, tav
  10  + 6  +  60   +  80   + 60   +  40   + 10  + 400  =  666
(Note: There are some technical problems with this one, but it's still a cool item.)

3. The dragon of the book of Revelation is depicted as having seven heads and ten horns. The seven heads are seven hills upon which the dragon sits, and the ten horns are ten kingdoms which the dragon unites. This has always been understood to be Rome, with its seven hills and ten provinces during New Testament times. But Bible scholars also think this is a prophetic telescoping event, where seven and ten might again re-emerge. When the European Union reached ten members, Bible prophecy experts went ape! Until three more nations joined the EU only a few weeks later, that is. So, is there a seven-hilled, ten-kingdomed monster out there today?
There is! The Mormon church had seven founding prophets during the special dispensation of polygamy within that religion. They were: Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, John Taylor, Wilford Woodruff, Lorenzo Snow, Joseph F. Smith, and Heber J. Grant. Seven founders, seven hills. And ten kingdoms refers to the ten districts which the Mormon religion has divided North America into: Salt Lake City, Utah North, Utah South, Idaho, Northeast (roughly everything between Newfoundland, Ohio and Washington, DC), Northwest (basically Oregon up to Alaska), Central (the Midwest and the high plains states), Southeast (the Old Confederate states), Southwest (Texas, Oklahoma  the desert states) and West (California and Hawaii).

4. Bible scholars insist that the Antichrist will blaspheme God and show utter disregard for the Almighty. This, according to Daniel 11:36-37. That may yet happen, but for now, he's playing things rather close to the vest. But two other aspects from that description stand out. He will be 1. prosperous and 2. he will show utter disregard for the desires of women. Bingo!
Okay, the 'disregarding women's desires' thing has always been interpreted as meaning that the Antichrist is either gay or asexual. But the misreading reflects itself in both the Greek and the English of the text. Couldn't disregard for women's desires also mean that the Antichrist will be opposed to women's rights?

5. One of the four horses of the apocalypse is the white horse, whose rider carries a bow and is bent on conquest. Interestingly, one of the symbols of the Mormon church is a white horse! And a special prophecy pertaining to that image is known as the white horse prophecy, where it is predicted that, one day, when the Constitution "hangs by a thread," a Mormon will become President and save America. 

6. The Bible clearly warns us that Satan masquerades as an "angel of light." (2 Corinthians 11:14) I'm not sure what an angel of light might look like, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't look like a 51 year-old black man! He'd more likely show up as a handsome, white man with a powerful persona and a fat checkbook. (Hint, hint!)

Okay, enough of that. If you're an evangelical Christian, you should be worried. For everybody else, please enjoy a hearty laugh at their expense.



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