Sunday, November 18, 2012

Save Santa!


As if Hurricane Sandy wasn't bad enough, now the planet's changing, climate-change-induced weather patterns are threatening Christmas! Yes, Santa's workshop, long known to be located at the North Pole, has collapsed beneath the ice!

This latest consequence of global warming is nothing short of disastrous!  Almost nothing can be salvaged from Santa's shop, and what little can be recovered is virtually impossible to see. Due to the tilt of the Earth's axis, the North Pole is in perpetual darkness, and will remain so until just before the Spring Equinox. Salvage teams and rescue parties with high-powered search lights have been able to find nothing so far.

A small hint of this potential disaster was experienced two years ago when Comet's reindeer paddock collapsed through the ice. Comet, a conservative who has long opposed the idea of global warming, still maintains that event was due to a freak warm water current.

More might have been done to prevent this disaster had preventative measures been put into place. The Elvish Engineering Corp (EEC) had strongly recommended putting flotation devices beneath the entire compound to keep it afloat in the event of an ice collapse. Unfortunately, Santa's workshop has simply been too overwhelmed by recent scandals and financial woes to be able to afford this kind of pre-planning. Last year, as many may recall, Rudolph's career was destroyed due to the scandalous discovery that he was doping and using RGH (reindeer growth hormone, see last year's blog post). His seven Tempyte de Noel trophies have been retroactively stripped from him. Numerous other reindeer scandals, including Vixen's highly-publicized sexual affair with Reindeer-General David Parbrayus, have further given the Santa administration fits. Over the last several years, the Kringle financial holdings in Zurich, Switzerland, have had to commit vast resources to the defense of the Elvish Workers Union against labor-breaking incursions by Wal-Mart and other retail giants. As such, the resources needed to transform Santa's North Pole Base into a floating city simply weren't there.

To help deal with the disaster, a number of international groups have come to the rescue. Newly re-elected President Barack Obama has asked New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to fill the role of Santa during peak times, and he has accepted. The Red Cross, International Monetary Fund and other organizations are committed to help. Donations and volunteers are badly needed.

Save Santa!


Eric

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