Thursday, July 21, 2016
John Kasich Dedicates New Insane Asylum: Quicken Loans Arena
In a move that Ohio insiders saw coming for days, Ohio Governor John Kasich has officially designated Quicken Loans Arena as the new Cuyahoga County Municipal Asylum for the Mentally Insane, and dedicated it in a press release just outside the parking lot.
"All the crazy people are here anyway," he told reporters. "Saves us all a lot of time and effort."
UNICEF and other relief agencies are rushing to get needed mental health professionals on site as quickly as possible. In an effort to free up needed funds, President Obama has declared Quicken Loans Arena a federal disaster area.
"We have to work quickly to contain the conflagration before it spreads to the surrounding communities," said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.
But even with Republican and Democrat leaders working hand-in-hand to contain the insanity outbreak, it seems to be spreading, with Republicans booing off the stage the one person who showed any sign of mental health, Senator Ted Cruz, who refused to endorse Trump.
"Think about that," said NeverTrump leader Charlie Sykes. "Ted Cruz, of all people, the sane one!"
This tragedy comes at a location only ten minutes away from where Tamir Rice was gunned down - an event that the community is still reeling from. Experts estimate the damage inflicted by the Quicken Loans Arena disaster could tally in the trillions of dollars, unless it is stopped quickly.