Saturday, December 15, 2012

Phasers On Stun


I am on record as clearly promoting two major ideas when it comes to guns: 1.) that we, the people have an absolute right to own and carry defensive weapons, and 2.) that it is beyond obvious that we need a system of registration and licensing for firearms. The recent tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School certainly underscores the dire need which we have for a greater effort at keeping guns out of the hands of bat-shit crazy people, that much is certain. But the guns used in that tragedy were legally bought by the perpetrator's mother, and none of them were military-caliber offensive assault rifles. So I'm forced, reluctantly, to admit that the drums I've been beating for so long about gun ownership and control would simply not have prevented this tragedy. So, as the subject of this blog, I'm going to tackle the question of just what would have prevented this, and I'll simply dump everything out there in a stream of unfiltered consciousness. Please understand, this is all sheer brainstorming, and I do not necessarily espouse anything below as a certain solution.

First, I have to say this: We could stop all of this nonsense if only we could just keep guns out of the hands of any males between the age of 16 and 25. If there's one predicting factor which is consistent in every mass-shooting tragedy over the past several years, it's simply that only young men pop off and shoot people. I have yet to see any young woman grab a gun and open fire in a school, theater, or other crowded place. So, here's a thought: How about we arm all the women and disarm all the men? At least this would be an off-setting factor for the biological fact that men are physically stronger. But, of course, a strong man can wrestle the gun out of the hands of most women. So how about this (and this is a completely sci-fi geek nonsense thought): Every woman could have a gun built into the bone structure of her left arm, which will pop out and shoot muggers and rapists a la Wolverine's claws. Maybe not practical, but it would make the world a more peaceful place, and more men would take their cunnilingus seriously.

Or how about this: Isn't it interesting that all these mass-shooters usually kill themselves at the end? I wonder if it's possible to implant a hypnotic suggestion, maybe using subliminal techniques embedded in the very same heavy metal music and violent video games which purportedly encourage this behavior in the first place, to simply kill themselves first? It would save a lot of innocent lives if that could be pulled off.

But really what we need is a very effective, readily available defensive weapon which stuns but does not kill. We have some such things already, such as tasers, but these are bulky, tricky to aim, and do not always stop an assailant, particularly one hyped up on methamphetamine.  Other weapons, such as plastic bullet rifles and  glue-balls, are simply too bulky and act too slowly. The ideal weapon should be small, easily concealable, and be able to drop an assailant cold in an instant without killing him. Then we use them to arm every school teacher, movie theater employee, and mall cashier. Such a device hasn't been invented yet, but if it were, it would be the phaser.

That's right, phasers on stun! The small, pocket-sized device is easy to aim, easy to use, and can stop a Klingon dead in his tracks! With stunning phasers everywhere, the handgun almost becomes obsolete. True, such defensive weapons would inevitably be misused by the very muggers and rapists we're trying to stop, but at least the victim wouldn't be dead afterward, and there's more than a sporting chance that the perp would be the one shot first. With computerized and automated systems, a phaser defense grid could be set up as part of the surveillance system of any public location where large numbers of people gather. Any gun-toting freak would be lucky to get off one shot before the sound of gunfire would cause the automated system to home in on the source and stun that crazy fucker down before he manages to kill anybody!

Okay, maybe that's all just facetious crap on my part. But in all seriousness, shouldn't we finally have cheap, defensive ray-guns by now? It's 2012 for Pete's sake! We've been to the moon, put cool robots on Mars, and landed probes on Titan! How the hell can we not have a lightsabre or a cool Buck Rogers style blaster yet?

On the other hand, maybe I'm just talking crazy talk.

I guess they'd better not let me have a gun.


Eric

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