Friday, September 23, 2016

How To Vote Well With Only 10 Minutes Of Research


Ever since 2008, I've posted my rules for undecided voters. We all have busy schedules, and sometimes it's helpful to have certain guidelines for how to vote when it's time to go to the polls, and we've done little or no research. Mind you, if you are such a person, you're an ass, because you've shirked your responsibility as a citizen, but I'd rather people vote with these rules in mind than not vote at all. Here they are, back by popular demand.

If you don't know who to vote for, follow these general rules:

Rule #1: All things being equal, vote against the incumbent. [Note: I, of course, argue that, in the case of 2016, all things are not equal, and that the case against Orange Julius is a slam-dunk. But, this is rule #1, and I must report it faithfully.]

Rule #2: All things being equal, vote for the female. If there is no female running, go back to rule #1. If the female happens to be an incumbent, proceed to Rule #3.

Rule #3: When still in doubt, find the biggest moron you know and ask who he's voting for. Then vote the other way. [Note: Not only are all the biggest morons I know voting for Trump, but Trump IS the biggest moron I know.]

Rule #4: Conversely, if you're still undecided after all that, find the smartest person you know and ask who she's voting for. Then vote the same way.

Rule #5: If, after all that, you're still not sure, stay home. You're too much of a moron yourself to vote.

Rule #6: Vote third party if you happen to live in a non-swing state. If you live in a clearly decided state, such as New York, Illinois or California, voting for a third party helps build that third party up for future elections. However, if you do live in a swing state, don't even THINK of voting third party. That way your vote always matters the most no matter what. [Note: This one is new, but it's a good one.]

Those are the voting rules! I welcome feedback on these!


Eric

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