Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Trump Sacrifices To Satan, Polls Increase
In a dramatic scene, Donald Trump sacrificed a baby in patronage to Satan last Monday. "All hail, Satan!" he cried, and then threw the baby upon the hot coals of a fiery altar. As the black smoke rose into heaven, several people caught the incident on their smart phones and posted it to YouTube. The identity of the baby was unknown.
As soon as the videos went viral, Trump's approval ratings jumped 5%.
Donald Trump made the sacrifice while doing a campaign swing through southern California. On his way through Los Angeles, he stopped by the Satanic Temple and paid his homage there. But when confronted by reporters regarding the heinous act, he flatly denied it.
"I made no sacrifice to Satan," he said. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"But we have you on tape!" reporters asked him. "It happened just a little while ago!"
"No, no," he insisted. "This is the first I've heard of it." His security detail then quickly stepped in, and Trump was escorted away from the press.
Trump's surrogates quickly stepped in on Meet the Press afterward. Governor Chris Christie insisted Trump has no affinity whatsoever with Satan.
"He never did that," he told Chuck Todd. "He made no sacrifices. He doesn't need to make sacrifices. He's too wealthy for that."
"But you also told us that he didn't perpetuate the birtherism lie after 2011." Chuck Todd pointed out.
"That's right, he didn't," answered Christie. "I already made a statement about that."
"Which was also wrong," said Chuck.
"That's your opinion," he said.
When pressed for details, Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway also denied the Satanic sacrifice. "Donald would never do that. I've come to know Donald very well, and I can unequivocally say that he is the most Christian man I've ever met."
"Who happens to engage in Satanic activities on the side?" asked Wolf Blitzer on The Situation Room last night.
"Well, what Christian hasn't done a little of that?" Conway replied.
Reporters at Reuters worked with Gallup to determine what effect, if any, Trump's sacrifice of a baby to Satan might have. The results were interesting.
"It's all fake," said one Trump supporter. "It's part of the media and Hollywood conspiracy to smear Mr. Trump and make him look like a Satanist."
"I'll bet it was all done with a body double and special effects," one woman said. "It's amazing what they can do with CGI these days."
Trump's next campaign event will be hosted by the NRA at Columbine High School, Jefferson County, Colorado.