Sunday, November 20, 2016

Never Drink Miller Again!

When Schlitz Brewing Co. insulted Milwaukee by leaving the city in response to a workers' strike back in the 1970's, Milwaukee made its voice heard. The entire city boycotted the beer for good, and at the next Summerfest, the Schlitz tent was abandoned. The beer was a pariah, and no self-respecting Milwaukeean would touch it again.

Well, times have changed. Schlitz came back to Milwaukee in a sneaky way during the 90's when Latino immigrants began to populate the city's south side in greater numbers. Schlitz was marketed in clever billboards written in Spanish, and sold mostly in 20 ounce bottles. But now Schlitz belongs to the Pabst Brewing empire, and it's welcomed back in Milwaukee again. Well, if you're a college kid who just wants to get drunk on a Monday night, that is.

Now it's time to boycott a beer again. And this time, it's Miller. Yes, the last great Milwaukee brewery to avoid collapse has betrayed America. Pete Coors, the chairman of Miller Coors, not only endorsed Donald Trump, but held numerous fundraisers for him.

Milwaukee needs to send a resounding message that Brew Town will never accept that bullshit! And so, with that, I am now saying two words I never thought I would utter:

Fuck Miller!

This means I am boycotting Miller Coors and all its products. And this is going to hurt! Because Miller Coors encompasses a lot of beverages I like!

Miller Lite
Redd's Apple Ale
Henry's Hard Soda
Smith & Forge
Blue Moon

Goodbye to them all.

That means I'll have to find different local breweries to support. Maybe one of the Pabst products will be to my liking. But there's also Lakefront Brewery, which makes Klisch pilsner beer. (And so far as I know, the Klisch brothers did not support Trump.) There's Angry Orchard, Woodchuck Hard Cider and Foxbarrel Pear Cider are pretty good. There's always Strongbow and Corona, but I still have a Milwaukee Brewery pride streak in me. Sprecher is therefore a good choice. They brew a hard Root Beer and a line of really tasty hard sodas. Randy Sprecher posts nothing political on  his Facebook page and employs a lot of African-Americans, so I'm assuming that even if he voted for Trump, he at least wasn't a fundraising dick about it like Pete Coors was.

How pissed off does a Milwaukeean have to be in order to give up his favorite beer? The answer, of course, is unbelievably pissed off! You fundraised for Trump? You're out of my city as far as I'm concerned!

Who would have ever thought that the proper way to support Milwaukee business would be to shun Miller and drink Schlitz again! Next thing you know, the Cubs will have won the World Series, and the Packers would totally suck!

Oh. Yeah.

Trumpsters are doing their own share of boycotting. Due to a recent showing of Hamilton, the cast members decided to hit Mike Pence over the head with a dose of reality, and now Trump is demanding an apology, and Trump supporters are calling for a boycott. Good! More tickets for the rest of us! But there are other products Trump people are boycotting. Make sure to buy them!

For example, Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi remarked that Trump's victory made some people feel unsafe. Trumpets are now boycotting Pepsi. So drink Pepsi, everybody!

It is literally the drink of the next generation.

PepsiCo also owns Lays, Ruffles, Doritos and Mountain Dew. Netflix, Apple and Dreamworks are also targeted by pro-Trump people for boycott. How about a Netflix party? We'll watch How To Train Your Dragon!

For an assault on Washington.

Is this just one liberal desperately looking to lash out at anything he can for a travesty that embarrasses America? You bet your ass it is! But it's a way for me, and you too, to not take it lying down! You fucked America over? Well, I'll be damned if you get any of my money afterward!

More effective than protest marching, I think.